Humility

I meant what I said.

When I said it.

But what is commitment that’s

Tied to feelings?

Those will change.

Mine did.

And I knew they would,

That’s why all those people were there.

To remind me to act appropriately

Regardless of how I wanted to be.

We knew we wouldn’t always

Want each other.

But we never promised that

We only said we’d stay together.

I think that made it stronger,

Tender, stunning.

Love is to say,

“I’ll be with you anyway.”

And we said it once in ceremony

So we’d trust to hear it again.

And so others would hear us say it.

That truth hasn’t changed.

But i would understand if it wasn’t the same.

“Come, let us take our fill of love till morning,

Let us delight ourselves with love.”

To take the name of love in vain.

To claim that what i had with her was

The same.

I would understand if it had changed.

There are enough warnings,

All of them I’ve read before.

Her couch has skins and

Her lips are honey.

She leads to death.

But who i knew praised the Lord,

And she had no love of money.

She gave every week,

She smiled at the elderly.

That isn’t someone who commits adultery.

But maybe the honey was on my lips.

Maybe i lead to death.

So we did.

I knew what the Lord would say,

“I love you anyway.”

And for some reason i can stomach that.

Maybe because He’s omnipotent.

More likely because i dont understand it.

But i cant ask that of you.

To stay with me all the way through.

When ultimately i was the one who seduced.

And i know you feel like you have to.

“I meant what i said”

Your eyes were still crying.

Your face was red.

“I’ll be with you anyway.”

But please don’t.

Cut me loose.

Infidelity is a valid excuse.

God says that.

I just can’t handle being loved like that.

Maybe I’m too proud to be forgiven.

Better a millstone be tied around my neck.

That always seemed like an empty threat.

It never mentioned me wanting

It for myself.

At least i would keep my pride.

Self-inflicted justice isn’t so focused on

Justice as it is on the self.

Judas might know about that.

What a tragedy.

I believe Jesus would have said to him

“I love you anyway.”

But pride.

When we said to each other “I’ll be with you anyway,”

You dressed in white,

And I,

Appropriately,

In black,

I thought “anyway” meant

In spite of your shortcomings,

In spite of your sins.

I don’t know if i meant in spite

Of mine.

I guess that implies that

I thought I’d be fine.

I’m sorry.

I dont know if I’ve said

That yet.

I should have said that sooner

Instead of

“Don’t worry I’ll punish myself.”

As if hurting is the

Same as asking for forgiveness.

Please forgive me.

For my infidelity.

For my lack of humility.

For not being able to see

That you meant what you said.

And God did too.

That “I love you anyway”

Will always be true.

Clearly i dont know as

Much as i thought i did.

I thought i meant what i said,

Back when i said it.

But i have no idea.

I don’t blame you

If you leave while i try to find its meaning.

It might take a while.

But know that I’m also praying

For your smile.

That probably sounds disgusting

Coming from a man unfaithful.

It probably is.

What I’m trying to say is

I want you to be happy.

And i do want to be with you.

But those two things are oil and water.

At least i believe them to be.

I don’t understand how you could be with me.

I know I’ve told you all this before

And I remember how you responded.

In between controlled breaths to slow your heart,

“I meant what i said.

This is what love is for.”

I knew you meant the love of the Lord.

I never understood it until i saw your face when you said it.

And that drew me closer than I’ve ever been to something

That i only just realized was so far away.

You’re so much closer than I am.

I know you’re here to stay.

So I’ll have the opportunity to show you,

That I can be ripped,

Torn,

Salvaged,

And sewn together.

Perhaps you’re the needle and thread

God is using to sew me into himself.

And if God chooses He could show you that he

blessed me enough to understand forgiveness.

Or at least to withstand it.

That’s what I’m praying for.