You wouldn’t know this,
But I had been crying over it
Long before you told me,
Before it was real.
And I’d remind myself
“This is just how I feel.”
And I’d downplay those
Parts of me that I thought
Conformed to stereotype.
“Worrier”
“Emotional”
“Illogical”
Putting them into boxes that
Said I was less because
“I’m a feeler.”
It still hurts to admit that I am,
Even after.
So when you told me,
And the tears didn’t come immediately,
It was because they had been used already.
They were used at the fears of this happening,
And the frustration of not being able to shake them,
Do you know what it’s like to hate yourself
For distrusting and not loving someone
Only to turn and
Hate yourself for distrusting and not loving yourself?
Because I knew I knew all along
But wouldn’t admit it because
“I’m not like others.”
When you slept with her you made me hate
You but also made me hate
Me.
In all the confusion tears aren’t fast.
I remember the oath we made.
How, come anything, we should stay.
We made it because we knew each other,
And that we wouldn’t always be lovers,
In the feeling sort of way.
But I meant it,
So when you asked me to file for divorce,
As if it was out of love,
So I wouldn’t be stuck with you,
Like ending it would be mercy for me,
That made it worse.
I know you meant it as an apology,
But what sort of olive branch is a
Burnt tree?
Are ashes of what used to be
Better than mending broken harmony?
I wanted to leave.
I knew it would hurt you.
That that was the punishment you deserved.
You knew it too.
To be divorced quietly like Joseph
Might have Mary.
The only difference being in our marriage
There was actual infidelity.
Gabriel didn’t tell me not to.
But God did somehow.
His Love not only to sustain but direct me.
Pushing me to forgive you.
I knew I would eventually, and
I even pictured running into you years later
And having an amicable interaction, but
Then leaving to go home to another marriage I
Could trust in.
At that point I knew i would have forgiven.
But I felt from the Lord,
“Now.”
This falls into being a feeler –
I’m trying not to be ashamed anymore –
That through the tears and catching breathe
And hurting chest and anxieties realized
I still felt,
“Now.”
I remember the instant I knew what I had to do.
I didn’t see one,
But thoughts can be angels,
And so can moments.
“This is what love is for.”
I didn’t have breath left to say
“The Love of the Lord,”
Which was pushing me
To humility
To stay when you asked me to leave
To have faith that one day
You’d let God forgive you,
To let my actions show my vows weren’t
About me.
Or you.
We were a part,
But God wasn’t leaving us,
So I couldn’t leave you.
I hope that makes sense.
Know that I really wanted to.
And I still kinda do,
But God’s holding me captive
To the action portion of love.
I’m praying for the feelings to
Follow suit,
So that, one day,
I could again look you in the eyes,
And tell you that
I love you.
Look Down, Be Here 