To You, For Me

I was going to marry you. We knew that. And you were going to marry me. I guess just I “knew” that. And because I did I wrote things for you. Things about how you can’t see light without a surface for it to land on, and you can’t hear snow without the wind and that leaves never get to the ground too fast. Those were for you because they tried to express what it felt like when you looked at me. It didn’t exactly make sense but you loving me didn’t either at first. I didn’t understand but I believed it because you told me, and you looked at me in a way, and you were always asking me to stay. So when you said that you wanted to leave, and not just momentarily but permanently, so that you could be happy, it surprised me. I thought you were.

Your tone was steady, calm, ready. As soft as the clink of the ring you put on the table. As final too. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know why. I’m sure that obliviousness contributed to its ending.

But I wrote those things for you. And I made bouquets for you sometimes. You said it yourself, it’s not because I’m a bad guy, just not the right guy. I don’t know what that means, and what’s worse is I don’t need to, only you do and you do. You gave me that classic line, “It’s not you, it’s me” as if now I won’t take it personally. As if I’m worried that no one will ever love me for me. You don’t seem to understand I only care if you will. I might not be the problem but I still feel like it’s my problem.

Now “problem” sounds funny. When you say something too much it starts to sound fake. You overemphasize the sound and the meaning gets hazy. I imagine that happened with you and “I love you.” I understand that. I wish you’d push through the haze. I know you’re not going to. At least not towards a place that ends with me. But I felt compelled to write this out, to try and figure why we’re here. To see if there’s any route around this obstacle of your disinterest. I need to know there isn’t for me, and if we end up together its only because “I love you” has regained some clarity.